Well, tomorrow you're fifteen months. Amazing. It just keeps getting better and better with you. I wish you knew how many times a day Daddy and I look at you and smile and say how precious you are. Or how often we go into your room after you're asleep and peek into your crib and just marvel at God's goodness and grace in letting us be your parents.
Being your mom is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me - after Jesus and your Daddy, of course! But really, God has been so gracious to begin showing me that he has more for me than what I've always settled for. I've been living with these false belief systems for so long and allowed them to define who I am. And the crazy thing is- I really didn't even see it. I mean, I'd feel it from time to time but would move on quickly to avoid that uncomfortable place. And after you were born I continued in those same patterns but in a new way. Now I was worried about how I looked as a mom. I worried about pleasing my parents, my in-laws, my friends, basically anyone, until God said, "Ok, it's time. We're gonna start dealing with some of this junk." And for the first time I really feel like I'm living. I feel like I can finally breathe in deeply. God has been so faithful to walk beside me as I no longer coast but face the issues that control me. And though it's challenging and more effort than I'm used to, it's so freeing.
Today in my Bible study Maury challenged us to keep pleading with God to reveal more of Himself to us that we would better know who we are. It's so important that we know who we are in Christ. And I want to know that for me and for Daddy and for you. And I want to know your heart. I want to know what makes you tick and how God has so beautifully wired you. I want to know what makes you giggle, what brings you to tears, what gets you fired up, what breaks your heart, what stirs your soul. I don't wanna miss that.
I want to be an example of Christ to you. More than just taking you to church and praying over meals, I want to BE Jesus to you. That you could follow me as I follow Christ. I want you to see the real me. That I'm not perfect- that I don't have it all together. But that I want to know Christ more tomorrow than I did today. In this book I'm reading called Hearts and Minds, he says the most powerful thing you can do for your kids is to pray for them. And the second is to do "whatever it takes to keep yourself spiritually healthy."
Lily, I commit to doing both of those things- to pray for you and with you and to keep pressing into Jesus. I want Him to be first in my life so that I can love you and Daddy like I need to. I can't wait for the day when we can talk through all this together. In the meantime, I will continue to pray for you and thank God for His goodness in my life. To Him be the glory forever. I love you.