Last Thursday marked my 25th week of pregnancy. I had an appointment that day with my OB for the glucose test and a sonogram to check my placenta previa. Not sure if I mentioned that in an earlier post, but it's basically when your placenta grows in the lower part of your uterus, sometimes covering the cervix. My doctor diagnosed it early on and we've been checking every few visits to see if it corrects itself. About 90% of cases found in the first trimester do, meaning as the uterus grows, it pulls the placenta up and away from the cervix. But if it doesn't, it can cause bleeding and could put the mother and baby at risk.
Here's a visual.
About two months ago when my doctor checked, he said it looked like it was moving up and away like we wanted. But this time, he saw that the placenta was right up against the cervix. There's still a chance that it could correct itself since the uterus will still expand greatly before Luke is born. Right now he's about 2 pounds, and he'll probably be around 7 at full term. BUT, until it does, I am on unofficial bed rest. Doc said it probably wasn't necessary yet for me to be restricted to my bed, but I have to stay off my feet as much as possible. So no more exercise, long walks (including shopping), vaccuuming (hallelujah!), lifting Lily or really anything for that matter. I'm still trying to figure out how this works with my very active toddler. Thankfully, we already switched her to her "big girl" bed, and she can pretty much climb into her carseat so I won't HAVE to lift her really at all.
As I was on the way home from the doctor, I broke down on the phone while telling Josh the news. How am I supposed to abide by this 1) with a two year old and 2) for the next 3 months! How can I be a good mom to Lily when I can't pick her up or race her down the sidewalk? I know there's more to being a good mom than that, but i guess it grieves my heart a little to think these are the last few months I'll have with just her and that I'm limited in what I can do. Or my sweet husband whose love language happens to be acts of service...how will I fulfill my role as wife and take care of the home when I can't do some of the most simple house chores? And then not to mention, the fear in the back of my mind that I could start bleeding at any time. Or that I might have to have a C-section if it doesn't improve...
This all may come across very ungrateful and some of you may be thinking: it could be a lot worse! And I realize that. Maybe this is just a pity party for myself on losing out on what I want to do. I am grateful that I do have a healthy baby boy and that I'm only on partial bed rest. I know that this is just for a season and that we will make it through. I know that this will all be worth it and that the end goal is to have a healthy baby. And ultimately, I know that the Lord is Sovereign and in control of this situation. And that He cares for Lily and Josh and Luke more than I ever could. Something I've been learning in Recovery and in my Bible study, is that I've got to be honest with what I'm feeling rather than telling myself what I should feel. Even though I know these things and SHOULD be able to rest in them, the honest truth is that I'm still a little sad that it has to be this way. I want to acknowledge these feelings before the Lord, but then also ask Him to allow me to rest in who He is. My hope and prayer is that through this, I will get more of Him and that He will be my joy regardless of my circumstances.
It's interesting too that my Bible study is going through the fruits of the Spirit over the next year, and right now we happen to be focusing on love. I'm realizing that on some level I still feel like I have to earn love or prove that I'm worthy to be loved. It's hard for me to accept that I am loved just for who I am, without the "doing." That Josh would love me for who I am, just as I am and not what I can offer. And I'm sure this also plays into how I receive God's love for me too. Whew. Still got a lot of processing and praying to do on that one. But I can definitely see that He's going to be refining me a lot over these next few months. And Praise His Name for that. So if you think about it, please pray that my placenta previa would correct itself. But most of all, that I would be content in Him and His love for me regardless.